my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
