Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
