I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
