If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
