My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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