my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
