Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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