I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
