Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Can you repeat that, but with context?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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