I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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