if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
