Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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