I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
