I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
