just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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