Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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