you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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