That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
