I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
