Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
