Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
