you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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