"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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