I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
