Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
