Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Randomize
