Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
