saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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