Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
