my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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