Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
