If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
