My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
