from now on my penis is your penis
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
