You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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