I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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