the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
