WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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