My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
