my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
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And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
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So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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