he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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