I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
