Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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