i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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