After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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