I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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