I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
