operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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