Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
