Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
