I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
