Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
