I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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