Can i not drive my cunt home
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
