what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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