ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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