I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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