This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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