I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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