apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
