rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
